He will wipe away the tears

Hey Everybody,

The title of my new blog comes from the chorus on Jeremy Camp's new song 'There will be a day'. There is a part in it when he just repeats that phrase and I just lose it because I long for that day when I will look Jesus face to face, tears running down because of all the heartache of this world and with one swipe of that hand of His, He will remove every tear....FOREVER. How I long for that day.

This weekend at my parents was very bittersweet. Mom looked a lot different from just a week ago. She was really tired, her skin was more yellow, she was more out of breath, etc. The moments I had with her were very short, since she slept a lot or was focused on breathing rather than talking. Seeing her smile, though, brightens my time with her.

Time this weekend was definitely heightened due to visits from Aunt Jennifer, Saturday afternoon and visits from Aunt Juanita and Cousin Audra Saturday and Sunday. Mom had a really good time with everybody there, plus the puppies:)

We went to church together, except for mom. It was michael and I, my dad, Aunt Juanita, Cousin Audra, Cousin Lee and Jean. We walked into the service and Lee had a place for us, which was so comforting. Our family took up the whole row and that was so precious to me. I sat next to Juanita and 'Blessed be the Name' was playing. You know y'all the song with the lines in it that read 'You give and take away, you give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name'. I was singing it and all and just praising God and then Juanita just held me close to her. I was a little overcome at first with it, but then it just felt natural. Then that 'you give and take away' part came and I just lost it. She just held me close. Those words are so bittersweet for me. I know them and believe them as Truth, but they are hard concepts to conceive. But, nevertheless, I trust my God in whatever He chooses to give and take away. The sermon was amazing as usual and they ended the service with 'Cardboard Testimonies'. This left everyone in the sanctuary with wet faces. One side of the cardboard would read something like 'CANCER' and then the person would turn it over and it would say something like 'Found strength in God'. It was beautiful!

Then there was communion and that is always a precious moment! We sat down and Aunt Juanita sat next to my dad and just held him, much like she had held me earlier. It was so precious to me to see that. My dad just had his eyes closed, I am sure in prayer and thankfulness for our family. This weekend, those two acts from my Aunt Juanita showed me the need for 'touch'. I am not that kind of person, and yet, those touches did something to my heart that I needed. Thanks Juanita. Second, I recognized I am a part of a great family. I have often struggled with how I fit in on both sides of my family. I did not grow up with them. I came out of nowhere into relationships that were already established. And that has always felt awkward for me, even when I can tell they are trying to reach out to me. I have often pulled away, and for reasons that are beyond me. But, this weekend, that all faded away. Audra, thank you for your words to me Saturday night, they meant the world to me. Jean, your wisdom on Saturday evening as we talked, were life to me. Lee, just your silent concern for us, warms my heart more than you'll know. Aunt Jennifer, your cookin and your extravagant love my mom(your sister) inspires me. I am greatly loved and I felt that this weekend, when at times I felt all love was draining out of me.

Lately, people have asked me what I need and I have not honestly known. I have been in fight mode and mommy mode for a while and my thinking has been ' I am strong, I don't need anything...except God of course' But, I need community, family and lots of hugs. Hugs are therapy for me. I am not going to want to talk all the time about this, there are just going to be times when I am just going to want to cry and cry my heart out onto my sleeve. All I ask is that your shoulder be ready. You don't have to say anything back, just let me have your shoulder and know that your heart breaks just as greatly over all of this. That is my need. I like encouragement too in cards and notes too.

I love you all and I will keep you all updated on everything.

How can I be praying for you all in the meantime?